Passion in a Marriage or Relationship Isn’t Just About Sex

One of the best things you can do for your marriage or relationship is to support your mate’s passionate interests.  Even if what your mate is interested in isn’t something you are particularly passionate about, it’s vital that you be your mate’s number 1 supporter.  Follow these 5 simple rules and you will have a grateful partner, one who will most likely support your passions!

  1. Understand that supporting your mate’s passions gives you the opportunity to build your partner up.  If you are having trouble doing this, perhaps it’s because you don’t have a passion of your own.  Do you?
  2. Embracing your mate’s passions makes the relationship or marriage more interesting, well-rounded, and 3-dimensional.  When you are alone together, it widens the topics of conversation.
  3. Supporting your partner’s passions enriches his or her self-esteem.  A relationship is only as strong at the self-esteem of the two people in it.
  4. Remember this:  Sometimes your mate’s job or career doesn’t make his or her soul sing, but the passion/interest does.  Everyone deserves to have his or her soul sing.
  5. If you’re married and you don’t support your partner’s passions, he or she will still pursue them, putting you both at risk of becoming married singles.
  • Having said all this, it is important to support your mate in his or her passion, unless the passion becomes so  all-consuming that it puts the relationship at risk.  Balance is the key!  If you and your mate want to share in a joint passion, click here.

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February 2, 2012 | Filed Under supporting your mate's interests in a marriage | Leave a Comment 

Lose the Weight, Not Your Mate

One of the biggest challenges in a relationship can be when a partner struggles with weight gain.  There are some key things you can do to support your partner while he or she works to drop the pounds.  Here are the do’s and don’ts of partner weight loss:

Do:

  1. Be kind.  If you know your mate has a weakness for ice cream or some other fatty food, make sure it’s out of the house, except for an occasional indulgence.
  2. Pay attention to your partner’s efforts at weight loss and be his/her cheerleader, even if there is an occasional slip.  Notice what he or she is doing right rather than wrong.
  3. Encourage exercising together or going to the gym at the same time.  It shows support.
  4. If your mate is busy and tends to eat fast food, put the effort into making his or her lunch.
  5. Make your partner’s health be your desire for weight loss rather than appearance.  As your mate drops the pounds, notice his or her appearance, but emphasize the health benefits.

Don’t:

  1. Don’t sabotage your mate’s efforts by using tempting language, such as “Come on.  It’s just one piece.”
  2. Don’t insist that junk food be kept in the house jut because you can eat it without weight gain.
  3. Don’t be a “helicopter partner” and hover over your mate while he/she is on the scale.  Back off and give the person space.

To learn more concrete ideas on how to support your partner in weight loss, click here.

 

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January 26, 2012 | Filed Under weight loss in relationships and marriage | Leave a Comment 

Listen Up!

There is no question about it.  Knowing how to listen, truly listen, is the most important skill you will ever learn in a marriage, or for that matter, in any relationship.  Below are 5 fundamental rules for listening:

  1. If your mouth is moving, you can’t really be listening.  To truly listen to another person, you must stop talking.
  2. Listen with your mind, as well as your ears.  Your mind has an agenda it wants you to stick with, but to really listen to someone, you have to set your agenda aside.  Don’t worry, you won’t forget what you want to say.  Be in the moment with the other person, and you can pick up your agenda when it’s your turn to talk.
  3. Listen with your heart. Ninety-three percent of communication is nonverbal.  People are sending you messages all the time with their face, posture, tone, and energy field around them.  Feel all of these messages with your heart rather than your mind.
  4. Nodding your head does not prove you are listening!  You’ve got to prove you are listening by giving the person, in your own words, a little bit of what you hear them saying.  ”So, are you saying …,” “It sounds like …” are wonderful phrases to use to let the person know you are “getting” him or her.
  5. Do not give a solution without being asked for one!  You can ask, “Would you like advice?” but most of the time you’ll hear the person say, “No, I just need to vent” or “I just need to talk.”  Take your “fix-it” hat off and just follow the person’s train of thought and feeling.  Letting him or her know you’re along for the ride is often good enough.

To learn more about how to communicate in an optimal way, click here.

 

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January 17, 2012 | Filed Under listening in a relationship or marriage | Leave a Comment 

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Although you and your mate may get along during waking, “vertical” hours, your “horizontal life” may be full of conflict!  Not everyone sleeps the same way, so figuring out a game plan for handling different sleep preferences is key to compromising.  Below are some things to consider for you and your mate to have the optimal sleep experience as a couple:

  1. Everyone’s body temperature is different.  Some like the bedroom hot; some like it cold.  If you or your mate is a freeze baby, consider bringing a hot water bottle to bed with you.  Slip it under the covers 5 minutes before going to bed and you or your mate will be toasty warm when first getting to bed.  Keep the hot water bottle within 3 inches of one of you, and it won’t matter if the windows are wide open.  Both you and your mate will feel comfortable.
  2. Not everyone’s back is constructed alike.  Some like a hard mattress; some like a soft mattress. Investing in a good mattress that meets both your and your mate’s needs is so worth the money.  This is one area where you don’t want to skimp!
  3. Space is so, so important in the horizontal life of a couple.  The size of a bed is something on which you and your mate must compromise.  Play it safe and go bigger than smaller.  If you both have ample stretching and flailing space, all will be well.  A king-sized bed may be the way to go.
  4. We all have “pre-sleep” routines.  Agreeing on them is important.  If your routine is to watch TV, or work on your laptop or ipad, I recommend you unplug technology at least two nights per week.  The goal, in my opinion, is to add a techno-free night every month, until you go to bed without technology more than you go to bed with technology.
  5. How you wake up can affect the beginning of your day.  You and your mate may not like to wake up the same way.  If one of you is averse to the sound of a loud alarm, you may want to look into getting a sunrise alarm.  This alarm simulates the rising of the sun by increasing light in your bedroom minutes at a time.  Although there is no audio, the visual affect is sure to awaken even the soundest of sleepers.

Whatever compromises you and your mate agree to, know that your investment in your horizontal life will pay off in a big way for your vertical life.  For more ideas on how to make your bedtime routine harmonious, click here.

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January 8, 2012 | Filed Under Sleep issues in a Marriage or Relationship | Leave a Comment 

New Year … New Relationship

It’s a new year, and what better time than now to do something new to refreshen and strengthen your marriage or relationship.  Sometimes it takes a new perspective, a new idea, or simply a new decision to give your marriage or relationship the kick start it needs.  Below are 5 concrete ways to solidify the love between you and your mate in 2012:

  1. Do an inventory of other couples with whom you and your mate spend time.  I’m not saying you have to dump all your friends, but if you’ve been hanging with partners who tear each other down rather than build each other up, it’s time to re-evaluate your social circle. Toxic couples out, partners who like each other – and show it – in!
  2. Make at least two nights a week “techno-free,” where for a couple of hours, you and your mate unplug yourselves from the iphone, ipod, ipad, laptop, tv, etc. and spend time doing something together.
  3. Commit to having a “mini-moon” once a quarter.  This means every 3 months, you and your mate get away for 1 or 2 nights.  You need to get out of your daily environment once in awhile.
  4. Go to bed together at the same time at least 3 nights per week.  Getting under the covers together at least 3 nights a week increases emotional intimacy.
  5. Have a professional in the wings for when you have a problem that’s bigger than the both of you can handle.  Interview and hire a professional when you are getting along, so that when a problem occurs, that person is already in place.

For more great ideas on how to improve your marriage or relationship in the new year, click here.

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January 3, 2012 | Filed Under New Year's resolutions for your marriage/relationship | Leave a Comment 

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