Kathy’s Books
Appearances
As seen on the weekly Love & Marriage segment of Fox8
As heard co-hosting Relationship Thursdays on Q104
As seen as a guest relationship expert on iVillage.com
NEW! Listen to Kathy's 2-part interview with Trapper Jack and the Morning Show.
Part 1 Part 2Kathy Dawson is a member of the International Coach Federation
Pay Attention, and Love Will Grow!
I appeared on a show on Channel 3 (NBC affiliate) this week called Good Company and talked about a study that was recently published in the Journal of Psychology. The research revealed that there are basically two stages of love: obsessive love and romantic love.
Obsessive love is all-consuming. It’s that beginning stage where you can’t think of anything else but the other person. Obtaining concentration to do simple tasks, such as paying bills or grocery shopping becomes difficult because you keep fantasizing about the new love in your life. Although this stage is fun, it is relatively short-lived.
The obsessive stage gradually leads into the romantic stage. The romantic stage is still passionate, but the overriding characteristic of this stage is a feeling that you deeply matter to the other person. What can interrupt the romantic stage is when you and your mate begin to get so distracted by the logistics of living that you forget to show each other that you matter to one another. The energy you used to expend to show physical affection to your mate is suddenly replaced by energy spent on pressures from work. The time you used to spend doing fun activities with your partner is now spent catching up on housework or other chores.
The key to preventing romantic love from dwindling is to be aware of how you choose to show love to your mate on a daily basis. In other words, pay attention! As someone wise once said, “Marriage or a committed relationship is an investment that always pays dividends, but only if you pay interest.”
Marry Your Mate and You Marry the Family!
You’ve probably heard the expression, “When you get married, you don’t just marry a partner, you marry his or her family.” This is true in more ways than one. Marrying a family shows up in obvious ways, such as having more people at the dinner table during holidays or having more people to add to your holiday gift list. But when you really realize you’ve married your mate’s family is when your values begin to clash.
Your parents influence you hugely in the areas of finance, physical intimacy, spirituality, parenting, just to name a few. Your values on these topics and others are hard-wired into you. You and your mate take a chance of going astray in your relationship if you assume you know everything there is to know about each other’s values.
When value differences pop up, so do arguments. Then the blame game begins. But think about it. How can you blame each other for feeling or acting a certain way based on values that have been instilled in you from the time you were two-years-old?
One of the most fundamental keys to a successful lifelong relationship is to talk to your partner about the values your parents have passed down to you. Assuming your mate knows everything about your hard-wired values is a big mistake that can be avoided – if you talk about them.
Below is a link to an article about what it means to marry a family. Whether you and your mate are dating, engaged, or already married, start talking values!
http://www.examiner.com/x-3829-Miami-Marriage-Examiner~y2009m3d10-Family-of-origin-influences-what-we-bring-to-a-relationship-assumptions-are-dangerous-Part-1
Great Date Ideas for Marriage and Relationships!
Anyone who knows me, knows I am heavily into dating. Dating your mate is one of the linchpins in your relationship. Anytime you can find a resource on how to date your mate differently, grab it! I ran across this link to 52 Ways to Date Your Mate- one for each week. Many of these ideas are cost-free, helpful in this economy.
Surprisingly, there are more low cost date ideas than you might realize that can help strengthen your marriage and relationship. Yes, some of the things on this list might feel foreign, but feeling foreign is what making a memory is all about. Enjoy!
What Was This Bachelor Thinking?
Yesterday I was interviewed by Channel 5, the ABC affiliate in Cleveland, as to my reaction to the previous night’s episode of “The Bachelor.” I do not watch this show, so the film crew brought me a clip from the show to help me get caught up on the latest events. Six weeks ago, the bachelor, whose name is Jason, chose the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, whose name is Melissa. I viewed the clip of the marriage proposal and the tear-filled emotion that went with it.
Apparently, the office talk around the water cooler yesterday was that Monday night Jason told Melissa he no longer wanted to be with her, but instead wanted to be with the girl, Molly, whom he had rejected for Melissa six weeks ago.
During Monday night’s episode, through her tears, Melissa kept saying, “You mean you don’t want to fight for me.” Translation: “You mean you don’t want to try to work on the relationship.” Jason’s answer: “That’s right.”
Channel 5 wanted to know my take on this whole thing. Reality TV and the glamour, fame, and prompting from producers aside, I told them that the message this episode sent to millions of people was just plain wrong. How many young, impressionable guys and girls watched this man dump this girl on national televison after a six-week trial period? Yes, we live in a disposable society when it comes to garbage. But this woman he threw away was a human being, not a piece of recyclable plastic.
What if instead Jason would have been honest enough to say to Melissa that he had some second thoughts, but was willing to get some help for the relationship before making a final decision? What if he had respected this woman enough to allow her to be part of the decision? What kind of message would that have given millions of impressionable young people? But, I must remind myself that this reality television, not reality!
