Kathy’s Books
Appearances
As seen on the weekly Love & Marriage segment of Fox8
As heard co-hosting Relationship Thursdays on Q104
As seen as a guest relationship expert on iVillage.com
NEW! Listen to Kathy's 2-part interview with Trapper Jack and the Morning Show.
Part 1 Part 2Kathy Dawson is a member of the International Coach Federation
Time To Get Unplugged!
Yesterday’s Cleveland Plain Dealer had a great article about the necessity, especially during the holiday season, to turn off the Blackberry for hours or days for the sole purpose of de-stressing. I couldn’t agree more! Dr. Ned Hallowell, a psychiatrist and former Harvard professor, was quoted as saying that these devices make us available 24/7 and, “ratchet up stress, making us distracted, impulsive, restless, and hyperactive.” Not a good combo for a loving, intimate relationship. His advice: no texting during dinner, no cell calls while driving, and no compulsive e-mail checking when you have a few free minutes. In other words, get unplugged and just BE!
There are 14 days before Christmas, and have you had a “holiday date” with your mate? Don’t tell me you’re too busy. I know you’ve got shopping, wrapping, baking, and decorating to do, but what could be more important than taking time to spend with your partner to enjoy the season’s festivities. My husband and I do this every year. Last year we went to E J Thomas Hall in Akron to hear a free concert called, “A Tuba Christmas.” Another year we went to the Cleveland Playhouse to see the Festival of Trees. One season we set up a card table and had dinner by the Christmas tree. Whatever you do this holiday, make sure you do at least one festive thing with your mate.
Family Drama at the Holidays?
Yesterday I appeared on WKYC channel 3’s morning show, “Good Company,” to talk about how to handle the stress of relative-related tension during the holidays. Below are some tips I gave on the air:
1. Be proactive! Send a card to family members a couple of weeks prior to their arrival, saying how much you look forward to spending time with them. This sets a positive tone before they arrive.
2. If family members are staying with you for the holidays, leave some flowers in their room, along with a card that welcomes them to your home.
3. If you are going to a family member’s home with whom you’ve had tension in the past and have difficulty being around, let them know a week in advance exactly how much time you’ll be able to spend with them. Limit your time, if being with these relatives is that difficult. Spend perhaps two hours rather than five with them, but let them know your schedule at least a week ahead of time.
4. If you and your mate are in a stressful situation in someone else’s home, agree on a “code gesture” you will use to let each other know you want to leave immediately. Make it a small, subtle gesture, but one that is clear to each other.
5. If you have a houseful of family for dinner and things get tense, have planned to see a movie at a certain time after the meal. Let everyone know they are welcome to join you, but that you will be leaving at a particular time to go see the movie. This is a great way to clear your home and remove yourself from family stress. Of course, let everyone know the movie plans ahead of time.
6. If the topic of politics or religion comes up and causes issues, use the phrase, “Let’s agree to disagree,” then change the subject.
Musings on Twilight
Saw the second Twilight movie, New Moon, today. The special effects are cool, Robert Pattinson is hot, but the basic message of the movie is questionable. The character, Bella Swan, is madly in love with Edward Cullen, the main vampire in the movie. Her obsessive – I can’t live without you – devotion to Edward is not what I consider to be a positive message to plant in the minds of millions of pre-pubescent girls. To think your happiness is completely and utterly dependent upon a guy – dead or alive – is setting your life up for disaster. As soon as you think, I need to be with this man, the relationship is doomed. To consciously want to be with someone is one thing, but to desperately need to be with someone is a recipe for heartbreak.
Mad Moms
I was on Trapper Jack in the Morning show on WDOK 102.1 FM this week, talking about some statistics showing that moms are the ones to start arguments. Asked if I thought this was true, my answer was this:
Arguments get fueled when moms don’t feel heard. Here are 3 reasons why moms don’t feel heard:
Reason #1: A mom needs to vent about something that has happened with one of the kids and Dad says, “Did you try to do A, B, or C?” Mom doesn’t want solutions; she just needs to vent.
Reason #2: After Mom unloads on Dad, Dad says, “You know, you really shouldn’t feel that way.” That will definitely start an argument.
Reason #3: After Mom vents to Dad, Dad says, “I really think you’re making a big deal out of nothing.” Not good.
Most arguments occur because someone doesn’t feel heard. Ninety-five percent of the time, people don’t want solutions or to be told how to feel. They just want to vent!
First Date No-No’s
Doing relationship counseling sometimes gives me the opportunity to be on television or radio. I just got back to my office after appearing on a morning television talk show in Cleveland called, “Good Company” on WKYC Channel 3. The topic for the segment was “First Date No-No’s.” I thought you might like to see the list of 7 of these no-no’s I presented. Have any of these happened to you?
1. Don’t make suggestions – let him be in charge. (I disagree). If you have dietary needs you need to put in your 2 cents.
2. Don’t pay for the meal. The person initiating the date pays!
3. Don’t have sex on the first date! Do I need to elaborate? Really?
4. Don’t talk about your ex anything! Keep the date light and informational. Too much info too soon is a turn-off.
5. Don’t ask to be picked up at your home. Meet in a neutral location.
6. Don’t be any more than 5 minutes late – it’s bad form.
7. Don’t answer your cell phone! Unless you are a single mom and you’ve told your date that the children will be calling only in an emergency, let the thing ring.
Great Romantic Restaurants
My husband and I went to a restaurant last night, The Bistro on Lincoln Park, in Tremont, on the near west side of Cleveland. The ambiance was soothingly romantic and the food was outstanding. Going to another new restaurant tonight and will report back!
Love and Caring is Love and Caring
Friendships, whether they are in the form of spousal friendships, childhood friendships, or family friendships, are all possible sources of love and caring. Those sources of love and caring can sometimes become painful when we compartmentalize them and label them with “shoulds.” My spouse “should” do this at this time. My friend or relative “should” do this at that time. Our ego loves to get involved by creating rigid rules around relationships. And if those with whom we are in relationship neglect to follow the rules we’ve created, the “shoulds” come out.
By living our lives in “shoulds,” we make our own pain. We all want to matter, but is it really that important from whom and when the love comes to us? If we focus on the fact that someone doesn’t follow our rule for them, we block love’s ability to come to us from a different source, whether it be another friend, relative, or neighbor.
In other words, love and caring is love and caring – regardless of the source. If we let go of our own rules – the “shoulds” – we open the channel to simply receive and accept love and care.
A Traffic Jam of Feelings
Purging, venting, otherwise known as … just plain getting it out, is something both men and women need to do. We humans tend to have feelings that now and then get bottlenecked within us. Whether they are feelings of anger, frustration, or hopelessness, we experience a traffic jam of emotion – a gridlock – that needs a chance to free itself. To get the traffic of feelings flowing again, sometimes we just need to vent.
Granted, women tend to vent more easily than men. Men often get quiet and look inside themselves to try to fix their problem, and therefore hold onto feelings longer than women. That’s why when a woman starts to unload on a man, his first response is often to give advice – that’s what he usually does for himself, so why not her? Because venting and advice are like oil and water. They don’t mix. As soon as a woman starts to unload, the best gift the man can do is take his “fix-it” hat off and just allow her to purge. Yes, it’s okay to insert questions once in awhile to show he is listening, but basically the guy is off the hook to solve anything. The only thing left for him to do is ask one question: “Would a hug help?”
Ahh, The Simple Things …
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. There is just something so cozy and reminiscent about sitting on the front porch as dusk sets in while hearing the sounds of children’s squeals of delight as they pop out of their homes all costumed and anticipatory.
My husband and I, and our Bichon-Poo dog, Rosie, do this every year together. Surrounded by the orange glow of plastic Halloween lights that trim our front door and the candlelight that peeks from the expression of a crookedly carved pumkin, we sit in our rockers and wait for the magic to begin. “Trick or Treat” we hear from tiny tots and pubescent teens. “Say ‘thank you’” comes from the voice of parents who smile wistfully as they remember the magic they felt not that long ago.
Trick or Treating only last for two hours, but it is such a special time for my husband and me. We spend much of it sharing our childhood memories of Halloween. We compare our taste in candy, while sampling each brand we have in our bowl. With children no longer at home, we dote over our dog, who we dress in costume each year. It’s a night of simple joys, simple things.
